Tuesday, September 26, 2006
How Do I Feel About You?
I was reading up on my friend ARESVILLE today and I decided to immediately steal a post idea from her. Then I got to the end of the post and read that she thought the post would be perfect for me. Does this girl know me or what?
*List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once.*
So without further ado, here are ten people that I wish I could be more honest with, but don’t for whatever reason – and you know that’s hard for me. I’m KNOWN as the guy who speaks what’s on his mind, for good or bad. But nonetheless…
1) We’ve been through so many ups and downs over the years and I can’t tell you how good it feels to currently be going through one of the up phases. You’ve been a constant support to me and you never let the ball drop on our friendship. There are FEW people in my life that I trust as deeply as I trust you. Nothing I say ever shocks you nor causes you to look down upon me in any way. And that is what I call the foundation of any solid friendship. Additionally, when I’ve needed to grow and progress, it is always you that causes me to do so. I’d be half the man I am if I had never met you. I ask you to hold my hand from now until it goes lifeless.
2) My heart hurts every day due to the fact that we don’t see each other more than twice a year. While I harbor no resentment towards you or the situation that we’re in, I literally ache for your company. You know that I’m the kind of person that makes my life wherever I live and I’m not good at keeping in touch long distance. But for some reason, I miss you more and more every day. I’ve been unable to put our friendship on the back burner and I still hope for the day when we live down the block from each other. Some people want to retire to the Caribbean…I want to retire and be your next door neighbor. I’ll save a seat for you on the front porch as the ice tea is already made and waiting.
3) Probably my most treasured find in this great big city of New York. It took me a long time to realize why I was so drawn to you and what you have to offer to the world. Now that I see who you truly are, I will never let you go. Your hard outer shell is just that: a shell. You are one of the most intelligent and beautiful people I know. Your honesty, while reserved for those that you trust, enables me to grow as a friend and as a human being. I believe that you would give the world to me if you could and because of that, I will do whatever I can in my life to make sure that you share in every happiness I’m afforded. I never tell people that we’ll be friends for life, cuz most times that’s not true. Yet when it comes to you, I can say without question that we’ll be lunching long into our 80’s. Then I’ll probably die. But die feeling fulfilled.
4) You are a friend that I let into my personal life and it’s rare that I question these types of decisions. For a long time I believed that I had found a soul mate in the friendship that we shared, but you’ve consistently let me down and shown me that you are unable to reciprocate most of the good that I’ve given to you. You are brainwashed by love and you are becoming someone that I never would have wanted in my inner circle. I believed in you and for some reason you forgot how to believe in yourself. I see that your “other half” has been the cause of most of the angst in our relationship, but frankly, it’s up to you to retain your individuality and more importantly, to be the friend that I’ve been to you over the years. The saddest part is that I’m having a very hard time trusting you when you say that I’m still one of your most cherished friends. How can that be true when I haven’t heard your voice in more than a month?
5) You are manipulative. I not only question your motivations, I question your character. I’m tremendously concerned by your need to meddle in business that isn’t yours. I fake like I appreciate you and I pretend that I’m supportive of the choices you’ve made for you and your partner. But truthfully, I’m only civil with you in order to maintain some semblance of calm within my close friendships. My hope is that one day you will be exposed for the fraud that you are. And on that day, I will proudly spit in your face.
6) I know that you love me. I know that you want to be with me. I know that you see a future for us. But then why don’t you act like it? Why don’t you make more of an effort to be a part of our relationship? Why don’t you call me more? Why don’t you set aside some time for us? Why can you be so negative and hold me up to standards that you, yourself, cannot achieve? I’ve been a handful, but I’ve also showed you what true devotion and family can mean. No more threats of moving on without you. But I’m begging you to please step up to the plate and be the man I fell in love with. It’s never too late to change and I’m obviously in this for the long haul.
7) You are probably the most adorable being on the planet. You are dedicated to me and it shows. All you ask from me is love and understanding and I’ve done my absolute best to fulfill those needs. But now I need to ask something of you. Please stop pissing on my floor. It’s a hassle and makes it look as though you were raised in the forest. Clearly we don’t live in an area with trees and woodland creatures. You must use the designated area for excrement or there are going to be some unfortunate restrictions placed upon your daily life.
8) For years I was afraid that you were going to die and leave me alone. You laughed and explained that “that is just not going to happen”. I finally caved in to your way of thinking, but in the process you and I became even closer to each other than we were. Now I’m back to worrying that you will have to leave me some day and I’ll be forced to live a life that’s virtually impossible to do without you. You are my “go to” girl and the one person in my life that can take my problem, make it yours, figure out a solution, and hand it back to me with a band-aid over the wound. I could spend hours and days on the phone with you and never get bored. You listen to all of my stories and ask for nothing, but my devotion in return. Moving closer to you is the only idea that has ever shaken my resolve to follow my dreams through to their bitter end. I would literally give up just about any happiness in my life if it meant that you and I would be this close until I’m 83 and sleeping with the fishes.
9) Speaking of sleeping with the fishes, I want you to be. I never wish for death upon people, but my hatred for you goes so deep that if you were to die in an awful, tragic accident, I would feel a sense of calm that I never had to look you in the eye and listen to your lies ever again. You are an absolute waste of a human being and I’m not the only person who sees you for who you really are: an incompetent, self-absorbed, asshole. I know secrets about you that you thought were otherwise hidden and if I ever get the chance to expose you, I will take that opportunity and run with it. I will destroy you and I will laugh. When you are sent to hell for being the ANTI-everything good in the world, I will breathe a sigh of relief. Karma is a strong force and she’s coming for you buddy. You should sleep with one eye open, cuz there are many of us waiting in line to smother you with that pillow.
10) Why are you testing me to the point of breaking me? You know my heart is in the right place and you know that I want nothing more than to please you. Yet, when I reach out to you, I feel nothing, but guilt, and as though I’m wasting my time – like you have it out for me or something. We used to be inseparable and I used to get into many arguments defending your name. Now, without believing that you truly do care about my happiness, I feel lost and like I’m floating in an abyss of confusion and dismay. Is it possible that everything I felt up until the day I turned 25 was all for naught? If I ever truly believed that this is all there was between us, I wouldn’t be able to continue living my life. And you know that’s true and not exaggerated in any way.
Well!
That felt GREAT! Who knew I needed to unload so badly? Take THAT assholes in my life and for those of you that I love, understand that this is only a fraction of how I feel. If I could spend every day telling you how much I appreciate you, I would. What a beautiful life that would be.
